watchmakersylar | Sylar's Blog - Salvation or Damnation?

I’m having nightmares, or more accurately memories of what Bennet’s Gabriel did to me when he took my place. Those few days, when I was trapped in my own past, and locked up in a cell on level 5. I hated being Gabriel Gray, and being forced to relive the events of my, oh so exciting, life was torture. I told Bennet and Peter about that, but I didn’t tell them about his personal visits. When he’d come into the cell and touch me while trying to break me. He said I was a waste of a good killer, and that he’d make me one again.

It’s not only what he did to me in that cell, but parts of his life that I absorbed when I killed him. My greed, my need to take back the powers I’d lost to the virus may have caused me more harm than good. Did I need to be able to keep a beer cold, hear a gnat fart or be able to blow up New York? I didn’t take Parkman’s ability. I’ve never wanted to read minds, reading emotions torments me enough, but now I’m starting to wonder if it isn’t still working on me.

I’m afraid I’m losing it. There haven’t been any blackouts that I’ve noticed, but my emotions are frayed. Ever since Gabriel told me what Elle did to him I’ve been angry. It’s brought back all the hurt I felt for her betrayal of me. I’ve been barely able to keep my anger in check. I don’t remember how to be happy or even what it feels like.

Peter tries, and I love him for it. But I’m afraid. When I saw Gabriel in that cell in Bob’s house, I lost all reason. They were going to torture him, break him, turn him into a monster like me, and I can’t allow that. I will die before I let him be turned into another Sylar.

I killed Bob, but I let Elle live. I don’t know why either. She’ll only betray Gabriel or me again. She can’t help it. It’s in her nature. I made her family. I treated her like a sister, and I thought we were friends. But just like every other time I try to make peace with someone I hurt in the past, it’s thrown back in my face that there is no forgiveness for my sins.

Last week I went to Mass, with Gabriel, and I felt nothing but anger there too. I wanted God to strike me down, something, anything, to tell me that what I did mattered. But nothing… The big question is do I want salvation or damnation?